When Sunday comes – Part 1

Well, Sunday came, and it was time to pick up my new bike. As I entered Halfords I was greeted with a friendly nod and “Hello Mr Slow.” I walked up the steps towards the service desk, and the staff stood on each side of the stairway and shook my hand as I climbed. my excitement increased as I knew is was getting closer and closer. Upon placing my receipt on the counter, the polite young man informed me, it would only take one minuet. I looked at Hazel and of course her eyes were welling up with tears of joy, as were mine. Her gaze soon left mine and fixated on the doorway behind me, I could tell my bike was there. As I turned, smoked filled the room and my beautiful Boardman bike was being pushed out to me by the one and only Chris Boardman himself...........

Of course this did not happen. The fact of the matter is I cant remember what else I did that day because I was asleep with a hangover. Hazel wasn't excited, she was practically fuming at my in-ability to talk about anything other than “Your stupid bloody bike” and unfortunately Chris Boardman doesn't hand deliver any of his endorsed products,. What actually happened was as follows

I handed my receipt to the snotty little scrote (sorry to use that word, but it really does warrant it) of a staff member, who looked at me blankly. “erm..... ill go check if its here mate” Check! Check! It better bloody be here, you told me it was going to be only a week ago. He goes in the back and Hazel says “I thought you told me you rang and it was definitely here” I had lied to her. I don't like using the phone, so I just said I had rang to keep her sweet. Hazel looked at me and sighed, I hoped she would walk off and leave me to it, but no she stood there ready do pounce on the shop assistant and then me.

5 minuets later Mr scrote comes out, looks at me and says “1 min mate” and before Hazel can strike, he scuttles off to the the other end of the store, to what I can only assume is a senior member of staff. They start chatting and the boss takes the receipt out of his hand. “If you rang we wouldn't have to be waiting now” Hazel informs me. I'm angry, because I know she is right, but I don't want an argument, so go to look at the bikes. This only makes matters worse, as the sample of my bike is there. So I go and look at the children’s scooters.

Some young girl is flying around the shop on a Bratz bike, ringing the bell loudly. A female shop assistant yells at me to control my daughter. I try to tell her I don’t have a daughter, but she has now wheeled this girl over to me, and walks off. We look at each other in with the same blank expression, but I can see tears welling up in the girls eyes. Just as my panic button is about it hit red, I am saved by the girls biological parents, who whisk her of, a bit to fast for it to be polite. Hazel of course finds this hilarious “What you doing trying to steel kids? We should discus it next time and we can actually plan the kidnap a bit better” I know what she said was funny but I’m in no mood to laugh. And sulk off towards the service desk.

Mr scrote sees me coming “alight mate, your bike is over there leaning against the wall” He is right the bike is over there leaning against the wall, but I'm kinda pissed that he dint come and find me to tell me this. “OK...erm so that’s it?” and with out even looking up from his computer he replys “yeah mate, there are some allen keys hanging on it, just switch the handle bars round when you get home” He then looks up, his potato head, and crudely cut out eyes look at me, and secretly he is asking me “You got a problem with anything mate ? Cos If you do I’m gonna do my best not to help you.” but instead he asks if there is anything else I can help with, I decline and go over to the Boardman. My frustration, annoyance and embarrassment subside, and replaced with joy, but more dominantly relief. I feel like I did when I got my Red Raliegh BMX back in 1988. Hazel comes over and the only thing I can say to her is “See I didn't have to phone in did I”

The "Bell Cap"

My cycling helmet is made by the brand “Bell” and as soon as I saw it, it reminded me of my mate Simon and his mistake at school when we were 13. It was miserable grey day at Withernsea High school and as we sat on stools in a science room, with our Pod or Kicker clad feet dangling, we were having our very first sex education class. Our form tutor Mr Beteridge was assigned the task of taking this lesson and I don't think he was enjoying it very much. Now Mr Beteridge was really nice man, but being a Yorkshireman in his mid 50's, I think he was about as keen as us doing this lesson as we were. Well he certainly wasn't very enthusiastic, and who could blame him.

About half way through the lesson it was time to talk about contraception. We had already been advised that it was not a “ball bag” it was “scrotum” and also shown a video of a woman giving birth, that got the teachers assistant to comment “ I really wish it was that easy. If it was, I wouldn't still resent my husband”

Well we were all summoned around the front table and had a look at some condom's while sniggering and getting redder and redder in our faces. But Mr Beteridge said, condoms aren’t the only form of contraception “There are others out there, but unfortunately we don’t have the budget to bring them into the lesson today.” So there in front of us was a artists impression of some other commonly used products. “Right class, does any one know what this is?” And all of a sudden, after hours of silence in various lessons throughout school Simon pipes up. I still have no idea idea why to this day, as he was about to make a very big mistake, but he shouts out “Its a bell cap” Mr Beteridge doesn’t say anything he just looks at him blankly, “ you know like a condom but just goes on your bellend” Stifling a laugh Mr Beteridge corrects Simons mistake and lets us know just how a contraceptive cap works. The lesson continued as normal, and simon was duly ridiculed for the rest of his school life, because of his mistake.

I know this story doesn’t have much to do with cycling, but it is because of this story, that I laughed to myself while picking out my bicycle helmet. “What you laughing at?”asked Hazel. Due to the close proximity of children, I waited till we got in the car to tell her about Simons error. And for ever more my Bell cycling helmet will be referred lovingly to the “Bell Cap”

Buying

“The closest thing to a religious experience I have ever had”

Those were the words spoken by the shop assistant in Halfords, when asking what it was like to ride a road bike. They were also the words that convinced me to go for one over the hybrid I was supposed to be buying.

Just recently I passed my probation at my new work place., and Along with job security, this also entitled me to join the cycle to work scheme. Through this I could spend some decent money on a push bike, for what is probably going to be the one and only time in my life.

Those of you not in the know, the cycle to work scheme lets you purchase a bike through your employer and you rent it back off them for a year, through monthly wage sacrifices. After this year, the bike then becomes yours, and for a further year your tax code changes slightly. I think that's it, but my mind wasn't looking at the small print, my mind was just yelling “Free bike, free bike”

After doing loads of research on the subject, two conclusions were reached. Firstly, due to the bike mainly being used for the commute to work along the canal, I would best be getting a Hybrid. Secondly, I shouldn’t buy my bike from Halfords. The reason for this is unless you get a Boardman (the most expensive of there range) your bike is likely to fall apart, also I have read some horror stories about the staff. So when the memo arrived in my in-box at work informing us that we were only allowed to deal with Halfords I was somewhat deflated. But hay ho boardman did a hybrid I would just have to spend some more money and get that.

So I got in store, and as I approached the bike I was supposed to buy, my eye got caught by the white dropped handle bars of racer next to it, and my mind started to wander. Images of me climbing hills and hurtling down the other side filled my head. Riding along the coast, sea breeze in my face, hawk of gulls and pulling over to take in the vista. So when one of the shop assistances asked me if I could help. I instantly said “I want that one!!” and after a brief discussion (argument) with my partner, the bike had been ordered. And needless to say I was very excited about picking it up the following Saturday, and having my religious experience promised to me.

the excitement the following week was unbearable. The pump, lock and helmet I took home that day were constantly picked up and handled, and my enthusiasm could only be directed at my Partner Hazel.

“Look Hazel this pump has two settings, do you think that is because there are two types of valves for tyres?”

“Hazel! Are you sure this helmet looks good on me?”

At first she humoured me with faked interest, but this soon subsided and just told me to shut the hell up. Things got so bad she once found me sat I in the dark, testing the light on the keyring to the bike lock. I don’t think we will look back fondly to this week of anticipation, but it was a means to an end and the following Sunday I was on route to pick up my first new bike in 13 – 14 years.

But more on that later.

And we are off!!

At the age of four I had a truly life changing experience. While going to the local video shop in Bingham with my farther, I decided I didn't want to watch Disney’s Robin Hood any more. I know, I know, I was living in Nottingham but, it just wasn't doing it for me. There was an urge for something more real, something gritty, something I could aspire to. It was in this trip to the video shop that my farther rented BMX bandits, and It was here that my obsession with bikes started.

From what I have been told, in the time we lived in Bingham I watched that film over 100 times, and it was only because we moved to Hull that I stopped. And this was due to the local Ritz video store not stocking it. I soon nagged enough to get my very own BMX. A beautiful red Raleigh, and it wasn't long before ramps were constructed in the street. Made of saucepans and discarded planks wood. It wasn't long after these ramps were built I soon realised I wasn’t very good on my BMX, and I still have the scars to remind me.

In the early 90's my red Raleigh soon got replaced by a Universal mountain bike. And this was my main mode of transport right up until I could drive at the age of 18. Hours were spent with my brother, and mate Simon, riding around East Yorkshire, trawling hedges for discarded porn mags, riding to friends houses in order to drink cider in the garden or even going to a nearby village with the hope of bumping into a girl.

After we all learned to drive that was it, the bike was put in the shed and rusted away. I left for university and eventually moved to Leeds. And it is here in 9 years later that I have now rediscovered cycling, but this time though the cycle to work scheme and now I have a road bike.

This blog is how I have rediscovered my love for cycling. My experiences within the big city of Leeds and how it reminds me of my youth. I know at the beginning of this post I said that discovering cycling was life changing. But from my brief description of my cycling history you may be thinking “well there is nothing life changing about any of that”. I know I didn't go on to become famous or even compete at a local level. But discovering a mode of transport in the villages of East Yorkshire before we could drive was truly “life changing”. With no public transport, and the average distance between villages about 4-5 miles, it enable use to move and be independent. But more on this in future posts.

For now this concludes my introduction. I intend to ramble and go off on tangents, but I hope you all enjoy it. Keep checking back for my various posts. Hope you all enjoy.